Our parental figures and caregivers deeply impact our growth, our transformations throughout our lives, and the way we relate to everyone else in our lives.

Our brains form around the models we’re given, and that can feel like we’re sort of at the mercy of our caregivers as we’re being raised.

So we shift into adulthood and realize that so much of our identities and ways of seeing the world wrapped up in how we were treated as young people…and sometimes that can feel supportive, while (many) other times it can feel harmful, frustrating, wounding.

For many of us, the holiday season is upon us.

cue spooky music of doom

If your next two months are typically filled with gatherings, celebrations, decorations, food, music…how are you feeling?

Really.

Because while we are constantly bombarded with “This is the happiest time of year!”, it is often anything but.

(And seriously, what fucking pressure.)

There are lots of things to say about this time of year (which I’ll be doing as these weeks move forward), but today, let’s talk about setting boundaries during the holidays.

Ok, what happened in your body when you read that?

If it was a sinking feeling, restriction in your chest, or a clenched jaw…well, you’re not alone, my friend.

You might have seen in the news recently that the supreme court has been hearing oral arguments that conversion therapy bans that exist in many states are unconstitutional.

No decision has been made yet by the courts, but it’s not looking good.

With this being in the news more lately, I wanted to offer a reminder as a licensed clinician that conversion “therapy” is not therapy. In fact, it has the opposite effect that therapy is meant to have—instead of healing, growth, support, integration, conversion “therapy” causes harm in violent, terrifying ways.

When we’re in the thick of it, it is so so hard to see how it might feel any differently than it does in those moments of frustration, grief, struggle.

And yes, sometimes those things continue to be hard. It’s a common thread in the human condition.

But sometimes (and perhaps more often than we realize), those things do get better.

We learn, we adapt, we change.

And my guess is that there’s at least one thing that feels more easeful to you now than maybe it did before.

We may view October scaries as fun and playful, but the all-year atrocities are deeply painful, and it often feels like it requires immense cognitive dissonance to survive it.

But we are not meant to witness and feel and experience all of this and also feel fully functional.

The rage continues to fill my body.

Day after day, I feel anger, fear, grief. For the trans community, simply trying to live their lives in a world that often seems like it wants them dead.

This raging fire in my soul is both personal and professional.

The last week has brought a whirlwind of anger, fear, and grief for so many people. And I want to first offer a disclaimer that there is so much I could write in response to all of the things…much more than what a blog post can include.

In fact, it’s the overwhelm that gave me pause before putting words down. Where do I even begin to talk about all of this, as both a person experiencing it and a therapist helping other people experience it?

It’s my role as a therapist that got me to start typing…because what I’ve found centrally important right now is to make sure that you know that my therapy couch is open to you and all of your feelings, and that as much as we’ve been told recently that old trope “Don’t speak ill of the dead,” frankly that is an absolute load of bullshit.

Maybe it’s the role you’ve played in your family for as long as you can remember.

Maybe your friend group (or the bullies) in school taught you how important it is.

Maybe a romantic relationship or your workplace pushed you to take it on.

However it’s found its way to you, being the Peacekeeper in your life can meet a lot of needs and desires…

…and it can also hurt.

My relationship with therapy is often a complicated one—not because I don’t deeply believe in the magic that can happen when we feel truly seen, heard, and held, but because the topic of mental wellness is fraught with white-centric ideas, colonization, pathologizing, hyper-individualizing, and spiritual bypassing.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

I forget this every year until I start seeing posts and articles talking about it.

Even though I’m a mental health practitioner and consumer, I don’t tend to find things like Awareness Months terribly helpful, and so I definitely have some feelings about the month that claims to want to help people who need mental health support.

Now, I do want to offer a caveat up front that I don’t think every single person honoring this month is problematic. I know plenty of colleagues and organizations who do good work and use this kind of splashy framework to help move forward some really important ideas.

As in many things in this work, it isn’t binary, and there’s lots of room for nuance.

And also…that doesn’t mean I don’t have some feelings about it.

If you grew up in fundamental christianity and have since left it, the last several weeks may have felt especially distressing.

You worked so hard to deconstruct, to reclaim your identity, and yet here you are, being constantly confronted with those old, harmful narratives…only this time, instead of at church or in your home, it’s on every news outlet.

You no longer are controlled by rigid and toxic rules…and now, the laws of the land eerily mirror all of the bullshit you grew up with and got away from.

The political nightmare that is the current president (and everyone working with him) is deeply challenging for so many people right now.

And especially for people who know these ideologies so well, in a way that is unique and painful, feeling bombarded by these messages, being told that these are now laws not just in the church but for everyone, can feel retraumatizing.

If you feel activated by what’s happening, know that you’re not alone.