Boundaries for the Holidays: Fact or Fiction?

For many of us, the holiday season is upon us.

*cue spooky music of doom*

If your next two months are typically filled with gatherings, celebrations, decorations, food, music…how are you feeling?

Really.

Because while we are constantly bombarded with “This is the happiest time of year!”, it is often anything but.

(And seriously, what fucking pressure.)

There are lots of things to say about this time of year (which I’ll be doing as these weeks move forward), but today, let’s talk about setting boundaries during the holidays.

…Ok, what happened in your body when you read that?

If it was a sinking feeling, restriction in your chest, or a clenched jaw…well, you’re not alone, my friend.

Boundaries like saying no, putting limits on what you offer, making choices that benefit you even if others will be upset…those are hard any time of year, and maybe especially now.

But I’m here to tell you that boundaries are possible to set, even now.

One of the most common ways that this topic comes up around the holidays is travel.

Those expectations that you travel to see family can feel like a warm hug wrapped in a chainlink fence.

People want to see you! Lovely! But how will that impact you?

So often, I hear people express things like “I have to fly to my parents’ house for Christmas” or “I have to make the 5 hour drive to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving” or “I have to go to eighteen different houses on the same day to celebrate one fucking holiday.”

(Ok, maybe I exaggerated that last one, but personally, if it’s more than one house in a day, it might as well be eighteen.)

Now, if you want to do these things—if they feel nourishing, exciting, celebratory—then great!

You might not be who I’m talking to today.

But the way it’s often phrased to me in the therapy room is “I have to…”

Of course, maybe the “have to” doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it’s that while it might be a little tough to meet expectations, overall it still feels like a net positive to you.

But it’s a phrase that begs to be questioned.

And if “have to” really does feel like a “have to”—like an expectation, a must, not a want—let’s poke at it a bit.

Why do you have to? What will happen if you don’t?

Sometimes it’s discomfort—which is super valid! And you get to say if that discomfort is more or less tolerable than setting a boundary and having your needs met.

But what might it be like if you were to say no?

Ok, wait, let’s back up.

Let’s not start with the “no”…because that might make some walls shoot up or make it feel like your heart might beat out of its chest.

Let’s actually fast forward to after the “no.”

You’ve declined an invitation you don’t want to say yes to. Maybe it’s traveling…so you’re staying home, spending time with people you don’t typically get to see this time of year, or maybe without the people who typically stress you out this time of year.

You have more choice in what those days look like. You feel more rested, less overwhelmed.

You only make the food you want, if you want to make food at all.

Maybe you still make a phone call to your far-away people, or a FaceTime, or a text.

Maybe you don’t communicate with anyone at all.

You do the activities you want, you wear the clothes you want, you rest when you want.

How does this feel in your body?

Does it feel more free? Calm? Nurturing?

Perhaps there’s still some anxiety lurking…what are people thinking? Are they mad? Is this ok? Have I done something wrong?

That’s reasonable! We talk about “setting boundaries” like you just do it once and it feels great and the work is done…but the reality is often far from that.

But even within the possible worry or guilt…are there also other feelings? Feelings of hope, possibility, rest?

I’m going to say something that I know does not take into account the nuance of each individual situation, but I still think there’s an importance to saying it: You do not have to do the thing you think you have to.

You might feel pressured to, it might feel deeply uncomfortable to not meet expectations, but you do not have to do the thing just because you’re being asked/told to.

Now again, circling back to what I mentioned earlier: it is also your call how this shakes out, and if ultimately it still meets more of your needs and/or wants to do the thing because the alternative feels worse, that is fine.

And sometimes in therapy, that’s the work we do—we might get curious about the “have to” statements, but it doesn’t mean that we categorically change each and every one of them.

(Sometimes it does, but not always.)

But that curiosity about the “have to” things is super important in order to make that distinction, and instead of feeling trapped in a prison of musts, we acknowledge that actually we hold the keys to freeing ourselves from expectations if we want to.

If this is something you’re seeking for yourself but aren’t sure where to start, therapy can be a great place to do some of this work—and I love supporting clients in boundary-setting, relationship dynamics, and feeling more free than they thought was possible.

Click here to request a free consult and let’s get started—just in time to break through some of that holiday-themed pressure.

Want more tips to survive the holiday season? Click here!