Conversion “therapy” isn’t therapy

You might have seen in the news recently that the supreme court has been hearing oral arguments that conversion therapy bans that exist in many states are unconstitutional.

No decision has been made yet by the courts, but it’s not looking good.

With this being in the news more lately, I wanted to offer a reminder as a licensed clinician that conversion “therapy” is not therapy. In fact, it has the opposite effect that therapy is meant to have—instead of healing, growth, support, integration, conversion “therapy” causes harm in violent, terrifying ways.

First, let’s talk about what conversion “therapy” is (and yes, I’m going to keep using quotes even though it makes this less readable because honestly, I can’t help myself…like, this is absolutely not real therapy).

The purpose of conversion “therapy” is to make a queer person not queer.

(I’ve gotta be honest, even typing that out felt so laughable.)

So, as you might imagine, lots of fundamental religions, particularly in the christian sect, feel that this is vital to “fixing” a “problem.”

(Ok, I can admit the quotes are getting out of hand now…but can you blame me?)

Conversion “therapy” does not work.

First of all, because if it did, it would mean that a queer person can just stop being queer, which is absurd.

Secondly, the only effect that conversion therapy has been noted to have is harm.

It’s a false form of help that has a sole intention of telling people that who they are is wrong, and they should ignore all of their instincts and choose a different way of being.

This is actually very in line with a lot of the teachings in fundamental christianity—instincts, intuition, feelings are wrong, sinful, should be condemned.

And so, this is also a core part of these religious groups and their fear of queerness…and they created a type of fake therapy to address it.

People who have experienced conversion therapy have become more depressed, anxious, suicidal.

They’ve been told they were getting support only to be told that who they are is wrong.

Therapy might in part be a space to challenge old stories and unhelpful assumptions, but queerness is absolutely not included in that.

And so, that’s why many states have banned this destructive behavior. Not only does conversion “therapy” do deep harm, but it also aligns itself with actual therapy, causing confusion and allowing incredibly unethical practices to occur under the guise of religious freedom.

It creates a rift in the sacredness of the therapy room, and it understandably impacts queer people’s trust in therapists in general.

The bans are important, they’re protective of clients, and they validate what most therapists know to be true about our profession.

The therapist who has brought this issue to the supreme court is claiming that the ban is prohibiting her from having conversations, specifically with minors, about their sexuality and gender, claiming that it’s keeping her from helping them to reduce unwanted desires and realign their identities with their bodies.

To be clear, as a therapist and a queer person, this is not it.

Because here’s the thing about therapy: the therapist isn’t there to place their own narratives onto the client.

Therapists might have their own frameworks they use to do the work, but the client has the ultimate say about what feels true for them…I might be there to offer new alternatives, but it’s never my job to “fix.” When a client feels more at home in themselves, more fulfilled, less distressed, more at ease, that’s what I hope for.

And if a client comes to me and expresses distress about their identity, their attractions, we can absolutely process that together, just like we can explore any areas of distress.

What my job as a therapist entails is to offer a holistic framework within that exploration—let’s talk about the distress, where it comes from, what stories or systems or people might be influencing it. Why is it feeling unaligned? How can we identify what it feels like to feel deeply aligned, and how can we process the feelings that come up in being on that path toward identity integration?

What my job is not as a therapist is to tell people that their distress about possibly being queer is a them problem, isolated from the systems we’re surrounded by, informed by nothing but the reality that being queer is wrong and that’s probably why they feel upset about it.

What my job is not as a therapist is to tell people that the shame they feel is definitively because they feel convicted by their faith, neglecting to explore the ways in which shame is informed by a lot of things external from us…neglecting to remember how often the work is not to let the shame tell the whole story, but to understand where it’s coming from and to learn how offering ourselves more compassion and integration can actually be the way to really work with shame in a more supportive way.

(There are reasonable things to feel shame and guilt for, but these feelings are also begging to be more fully questioned, because there are so many times when they’re actually not warranted...)

And when the clients are young people, this can often make the work even more tender…our brains are still forming at these crucial ages, and therapists take on a role of another adult authority. As therapists, we must always recognize the power that we can wield, and make sure we’re holding our jobs with deep care and sensitivity and attunement.

As a non-christian therapist, it would never be my role to convince my christian clients that they’re wrong or they need to change. My role is to help them feel most integrated, to perhaps see themselves from new perspectives, to view their lives in more holistic ways, but that’s the case with all of my clients. And if that means they maintain their faith’s core values, who am I to try to change that? They get to tell me when they’re moving through their lives in the ways that feel best to them. I might ask questions about that, but I trust their answers.

And so, for christian therapists to claim that conversion “therapy” bans are restricting them is just absurd.

Restricting how? Under the ban, therapists can continue to support their clients in becoming the versions of themselves they feel best in, while maintaining crucial safety for all people in those rooms.

I feel both anger and grief when I read the claims by the christian therapist who has brought this issue to the national stage.

As a therapist, I know how wrong conversion “therapy” is, how counter to our work.

As a queer person, I feel gratitude laced in sadness that I never had to experience conversion “therapy” myself, knowing that as someone who was raised in fundamental christianity, I got lucky that I didn’t end up with therapists who attempted to validate any shame I felt at the queerness I kept hidden.

It’s looking like the supreme court may rule that these bans are unconstitutional, and that terrifies me and enrages me, and it also reminds me of the importance of my role as therapist in these conversations.

If you’ve been harmed by conversion “therapy” in the past, I know it can feel impossible to trust another therapist again.

But if you’re noticing a desire to find that space again, a space that actually is supportive and safe, I’d love to be that therapist for you.

Reach out to request a free consultation by clicking here—I’d be honored to connect with you.