Grief and the Holidays
For many of us, this time of year is considered to be the holiday season…one that we’re told is supposed to be full of festive joy, peace, and merriment of all kinds.
And when we’re in the throes of grief, it can be anything but.
Grieving when it feels like everyone else is celebrating can feel deeply isolating, maybe even invalidating or like your pain is even more invisible than it usually feels.
Being told it’s the happiest time of year when all of your waking (and often even sleeping) hours are a full-bodied aching…it might make you wonder how the pain of your loss could get even harder, and yet here you are.
There is no timeline for grief, no blueprint to follow. And while maybe sometimes that could feel liberating, often it can feel suffocating, like you’re not able to see an end to it or like you’ll never stop experiencing the surprise of this very non-linear emotion.
Whether your loss just occurred, it happened a long time ago, or anywhere in between, if your grief is feeling renewed this time of year, you’re not alone.
And yet…how lonely it can feel.
You might notice thoughts popping into your mind like:
“What if I ruin the mood by talking about it?”
“No one will get how I could feel so sad this time of year.”
“I just need to fake it and pretend I’m ok.”
“I’m such a Scrooge for dreading the holidays and just wanting them to be over.”
“The holidays will never feel ok again after this loss.”
And I truly believe that if any of these resonated, you are not the only one.
But knowing that doesn’t always make it easier to feel.
Here are just a few of the basic tools I often suggest for grief, especially during the holidays:
There is no right or wrong for how to be this time of year. If doing something to honor who you lost feels supportive, find a nurturing way to do that. If anniversaries or holidays don’t resonate with you or honoring them feels painful, don’t worry about it.
If you can, find one person who you do feel safe to be fully yourself with—who you can share your grief with, knowing they want to support you and don’t give you any of the bullshit “but it’s the happiest time of the year” energy. That could be a friend, family member, therapist, pet, fellow Redditor, your own journal…be creative. Even when it doesn’t feel like there are any options, stay curious.
Remember that feeling joy can feel jarring when deep in grief. It’s also completely natural to find yourself laughing or enjoying something before you truly notice it’s happening and then feel the grief renewed or even guilt for having a moment of lightness. Our emotions are complex and we often do not just feel one thing. You’re allowed to embrace whatever happy-like feelings when they come, and also you don’t have to if they don’t show up for you.
Find grounding in consistency—keep to a regular routine that feels supportive, if that feels supportive. Take note of what helps you feel present in your life and with your feelings. Find the activities that can offer a sense of “normalcy” in a time of year that can really throw off a carefully tailored self-care plan.
Remember that this current version of you may or may not look like an old or future version…and that includes how this time of year, this particular year, feels. Whatever is hard now may have a different shape next year, and your relationship with it may change, too. That doesn’t mean to invalidate the current you…it is just to hold the significance of how we can shift and grow around our grief.
If you’re seeking support in your unique experience of grief, I’d love to see if my work could feel like a good fit for you. Reach out by clicking here if you’d like to schedule a free consult!